road to recovery

I'm listening to Midnight Juggernauts and doing my therapy assignment. That is, kind of. The therapist told me to start forcing myself to exercise, getting to bed on time, etc. And he said if I can't do that, at least write about why I didn't. So I started this blog to talk about all of the above.

I guess tonight I didn't go to bed at a decent hour because I slept too long today. I woke up (after like 4 times finally) at 5:30. Why? Because this insane insomnia really drags on me, and my body finally rebelled today. So now I am back to being fucked up on sleep.

In these last couple hours I have found myself thinking so much about Dan, and how I miss him. I really don't know who Christian is, but he is nowhere near the caliber of person Dan was. To be honest, I completely admired Dan. Emulated. I knew I could never be the human being Dan was. Honest, loyal, strong, fierce, unencumbered, sweet, kinder than anyone, and true to himself. I protected him in any instance I could. His name, his health, his wellbeing...I loved Dan. I mean, I still do. But I don't know that Dan is coming back. I think I started to love Dan as much or even more than Ian. Because Ian is my blood brother who despite not talking to me, I love more than anyone, but Dan is the brother I was able to choose. And he loved me. He protected me and loved me back, just like I did him. And never ever did some of the things Ian did. Dan didn't make fun of my ears. Dan didn't make fun of my friends. Dan listened to me cry and Dan laughed with me.

So I guess I am taking it really hard that Dan's alter ego has taken a stranglehold. To the point that I guess he is legally changing his name. Christian is killing Dan and ensuring he never comes back. Overdramatic? Maybe. But I could not have chosen a better brother in Dan. And like Ian, I just want him back. I want to walk down the streets drunk at 3am yelling dumb shit and not caring what people thought of us. I want to stay up til 5 watching Star Wars. I want to go to Bsides and dance like idiots, not trying to attract someone to makeout with. I want to walk all over Kent eating bread we picked up from the Vineyard. I want to read dumb books about toads and dinosaurs in funny voices. I want our old injokes. I want everything we had. I want my Dan.

Now when we talk we barely have anything to say to each other. Its like smalltalk with a coworker. Painful and short. Scraping the bottom of the barrel. Never complete, he usually ends up not responding to my last text. Or signing off fb chat. Or phone not working so he can't pick up my call. I am beginning to forget how we were able to spend hours on the phone after being apart for just a couple days. I just keep listening to Royksopp's Miss It So Much and thinking of him.

I don't know. I hate not feeling cool enough for my own best friend. Especially when I thought he could be my own brother.